Stuff that tickles your fancy

[Shaggy]

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, George Bush, turned to the Queen and said:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and think it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have Royalty in charge - and you're not a King."

George thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied,
"Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and ... you're no Prince, Mr. Bush."

Bush thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied:
"Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."

Before George could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[Shaggy]

What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek
Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW received a
bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored
it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque [check] for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employed these idiots??

[bethie]

I like [5]! *grins*

What an ordeal, man. Some people need to like, go back to school or summat

[Shaggy]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"



"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[bethie]

Good one.
Seems to be very 'Aussie' sort of humor

[Shaggy]

How many AVENites does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

19 to congratulate the lightbulb changer and offer them :cake:

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

27 to respond with smilies

12 to reply with "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" and get generally overexcited

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

1 moderator to ask everyone to calm down and stop flaming each other

7 to post anime pictures of anything tangentially linked to lightbulbs

1 to post that they find all lightbulbs unpleasant and repulsive and ask whether this may be connected to asexuality

11 to post that they are either indifferent to or positively like lightbulbs and so the previous poster's intense dislike of them is entirely unrelated to their asexuality

1 to ask for help because they are not sure whether they are a lightbulb changer or not and ask for advice

9 to post that only you can decide whether or not you are a lightbulb changer and point the poster in the direction of the FAQs

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

3 to complain because the new lightbulb is not purple

1 to post a picture of a lightbulb photoshopped to make it look purple

3 to give :cake: to that person for their efforts

1 to post "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! PUUUUUUUUURRRPPLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D "

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

2 to agree with this and provide links to older threads on exactly the same topic

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to post an amusing picture containing a lightbulb and a cute cat

138 to completely hijack the thread with posts about "kitteh" and their own cute/funny pictures.

1 to post "wasn't this thread about lightbulbs?" and get completely ignored

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

anticulus posted this on AVEN ...
It's a classic IMO & deserves to be here as well.

[bethie]

Maybe one day... we will experience such situations *significant pause*
Hehe, nice find!

[Shaggy]

Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!



I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!



At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are rooted because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!



This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!



Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.



Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.



I can't complain about the army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,



Sheila

[Shaggy]

A bloke was in the back of a cab, on his way home, when he remembered he needed to get Milk & Bread.

He thought he'd ask the cabbie to pull up at a Convenience Store on the way.

So, he tapped the cabbie on the shoulder ...


The cabbie let out a blood curding scream and lost control of the wheel ...

They side swiped a parked car .. .

Narrowly missed an oncoming Semi ...

Crashed over the curb ...

And stopped centimetres in front of a Plate Glass Window.


For the next couple of moments,

the only sound in the cab was that of tortured, deep breathing.


The passenger finally spoke ...

"Geeze, mate, I am SO, SO, sorry!
I really didn't mean to scare you like that!"


The cabbie replied ...
"No, mate, it's not your fault, it's all my fault!

This is my first day driving cabs ...



I spent the last 25 Years driving a Hearse."

[bethie]

Gah! I exalted you and now you have karma and I have to wait an hour! *grunts*

Heh heh heh, milk and bread.
FUNNY!

I'm gonna try and remember this to tell my friends

[chancesunrise]

Jan 12, 2009 23:00:54 GMT 10 Shaggy said:

What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek
Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employed these idiots??

OMFG that is just hilarious!! What a bunch of N*^#%$#@s
you can't help but laugh at how stupid that is.

[Shaggy]

[bethie]

I wonder what that tastes like...

[Shaggy]

[chancesunrise]

Mar 11, 2009 21:52:46 GMT 10 Shaggy said:

LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ